The New York Times has a pretty interesting article talking about a survey on happiness. It’s titled “He’s happier, she’s less so” and says :
“. . .there appears to be a growing happiness gap between men and women.
Two new research papers, using very different methods, have both come to this conclusion. Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers, economists at the University of Pennsylvania (and a couple), have looked at the traditional happiness data, in which people are simply asked how satisfied they are with their overall lives. In the early 1970s, women reported being slightly happier than men. Today, the two have switched places.”
And the reason ?
“Mr. Krueger, analyzing time-use studies over the last four decades, has found an even starker pattern. Since the 1960s, men have gradually cut back on activities they find unpleasant. They now work less and relax more.
Over the same span, women have replaced housework with paid work — and, as a result, are spending almost as much time doing things they don’t enjoy as in the past. Forty years ago, a typical woman spent about 23 hours a week in an activity considered unpleasant, or 40 more minutes than a typical man. Today, with men working less, the gap is 90 minutes. “
“What has changed — and what seems to be the most likely explanation for the happiness trends — is that women now have a much longer to-do list than they once did (including helping their aging parents). They can’t possibly get it all done, and many end up feeling as if they are somehow falling short.”
So what it boils down to is women are less happier than men. And I agree with the reason too. Women do have longer to-do lists. My husband disagrees – he thinks his to-do list is bigger than mine. So we are equal sort of – I think the work in our household is split 60-40, with me doing the 60%. My husband agrees about the 60-40, but thinks he’s doing the 60%. We both think we are over-worked. Hmphh ! So much for equality !
I have long considered the “Super-Woman” or “Super-Mom” deal a myth – a big, fat, blubbery myth. A Super-Woman would be vastly over-worked. Life as a normal woman is so much better. You get to have good days and bad days, and you get to have times when you can’t get everything done and it’s OK. Plus you don’t have to be a perfectionist.
I also do think that women think about minutiae much more, and worry much more. Behind every thing I do for my kids, there goes a lot of thought. Take clothes for example : I buy clothes, I consider size, pattern, style, fit, comfort, washability, how soon it will outgrow, kid’s favorite characters on the clothes, or their favorite colors. It takes time and considerable effort. If my husband were to do the same clothes shopping he’d take half the time. Why ? He’d consider one thing – size ie; whether it fits (now) or not. He’d be in and out of the store buying the first thing that’d fit. Men don’t think (at times like this). Still waters in this case don’t run deep. They might look deep in thought, but ask them about it, and they’re probably only thinking of dinner or the upcoming cricket match.
And it’s not just my husband. My brother’s the same way. My Dad may be the most organized person when it comes to paperwork, but ask him to do something beyond his usual sphere of work, like boil water and he’ll probably forget the details – like switching the burner on and off. My brother-in-law, my neighbor, and in fact most men, so my friends tell me, are similarly afflicted. Not that we appreciate them any less; we just recognize the disease.
Ok, so why is this ? Why is choosing clothes for the kids such tedium ? Why is housework considered such anathema for most men ? Oh, God forbid that they come into the kitchen and ladle a dish or something ! The skies might come crashing down, the natural progression of the world might stop, or Oh My God !! – we might not have a decent Hindi film this year. Oh, forget about the last one – it already happened.
But, seriously have you ever see the social sanction this practice has ? I’ve seen my Mom and Mom-in-law talk to the guys like they would turn into disabled chickens if they walked into the kitchen. Like you want a glass of water – I’ll get it for you. Or better yet – Amodini will. He gets the smile, I get the look that says “Up woman ! Doncha know your place ? It’s in the kitchen, and in your spare time, at the feet of any available male”. You want food ? What’s your favorite dish ? Let me fetch, cut, clean, cook and serve that for you, here where you sit. No need to move a muscle. And then looking at me – You, come help me.
My husband bathes the kids at my Mom’s place, and my parents are in raptures – like look at that considerate, unselfish, valiant young man going above and beyond the call of duty. My husband changes one kiddie diaper at my in-law’s place, and the entire family is dumb-struck. Men can do that ? Hmm, we always thought that they had this thumb condition, which prevented them from taping back the Huggies.
As a kid, the whole kitchen thing was apparently my thing. At least until I protested, and sought equality – the brother had better cut the salad too. My mother would trot out her reasons and do her best to quell me with “the look”, until my Dad came along and stayed firmly at my side. Reason won. Still, my Dad isn’t always there, and one gets the full blast of “expected womanliness” sans logic. As a girl I am expected to notice things. What don’t see the cushions at that unseemly angle ? Place them right. What, can’t smell the sabzi burning. (No, I couldn’t but I had a cold). Can’t guess the recipe just by looking at the dish – you blot on womanhood !
I sort of can’t blame the guys going around thinking they hold the world’s weight on their shoulders. Like if someone told me that all that was expected of me was to sit around, read the paper and order the food – you think I wouldn’t do it ? That if every once in a while when I used my two legs and two hands to fetch and carry, people would give me admiring glances, and stand around and applaud, I wouldn’t preen ? And if I took the afternoon off from my work to take the kid to the doctor’s , the office folk would look at me with awe and I’d become the poster-boy for ideal father-hood, and I wouldn’t see my own greatness ? Yeah, right !
Household work is unpaid and looked down upon. Household work constitutes what has been famously termed the second shift and can consist of cooking, cleaning, dusting, fetching, carrying, and being the general dogsbody when no-one else is available (which means always). It can also entail keeping lists in your head, remembering the names, birthdates and other assorted facts of about a 1000 or “close” family, and coordinating lives, clothes, Halloween costumes , pujas (desi ya know ?), basketball matches and birthday gifts.
So what’s with the work ? How come we have such long to-do lists ? As a desi woman some of it I think is traditionally foisted upon us – I am constantly told to take care of the family and household , feed the children well so they grow up strong etc, look after the hubby etc. No one’s telling the husband to “look after” me ! Years of “girlie” upbringing ie; reminded to be nurturing, deferential, respectful, solicitous, hard-working and the assumption that you will have a home-made career in the kitchen, whether you have anything else or not, takes it’s toll.
Lots of the work is also self-inflicted. I have friends who assure me that their kitchen must be absolutely clean before they retire for the night. And who’s cleaning it ? Not their better halves for sure. And guess who’s worrying about an unclean kitchen when you aren’t able to clean it one night? I think women do most of the work, primarily because the male partner won’t do it. And yes I have heard that they will help if asked, but please do you have to be asked ? The dishes won’t clean themselves. The clothes on the floor won’t hang themselves. You wish, yeah, but it ain’t happening.
The second reason is because women assume that if they won’t do it, it won’t get done. Or maybe work is just there to be done, and they can’t stand to see the sight of a messy closet or dishes or whatever, until the husband has cleaned up. It might be the case that the work does not get done until you do it, but it might be worthwhile to ask (again) first.
A lot of the work in (desi) households is repetetive work, clean, cook, launder. Repeat. Clean, cook . . . Just the house-work of a small nuclear family can swallow you up. There are closets to clean, paperwork to sort, bed-linens to launder. Add to that a couple of kids who think it’s fun to finger-paint on spotlessly clean, newly spread, sparkling white bed-sheets, and . . . it does not end.
I used to be a very, very “clean” person. The kind of person, who when she folds her towels must have the corners align. I am also a big fan of symmetry, hence my coffee table must sit exactly in the center of the carpet, and the centerpiece on the table must sit exactly in the center of the table. When I slip off my slippers/shoes and place them in the closet, both shoes must be parallel to each other. You get the idea.
My husband (and most men) can come home from work, totally not see a sink full of dishes, and leave to work-out for an hour. I have long pondered the reasons for this selective blindness. How come you can see the food on the counter, but about 2 feet away can’t see the sink ? He says it’s because it’s not the time; like not the time to clean. It’s the time to work-out and when the time is right, ie; after the working-out, relaxing etc. he will see them and get to them. Which he does.
Now, me – totally different mind-set. I come in, aiming to work-out too, but forget about that when I see the state of the house. It’s like warning bells going off in my head – “Dirty dishes front and center! Location : your house!” I can see all mom-like creatures smile devilishly “Gotcha” they say. Two hours later, the dish-washer’s loaded, the washing-ups done, the mess cleared up. But the time for the work-out’s gone and I’m exhausted.
However with the years my tolerance to unwashed dishes and general melee has increased. Sticking to my part of the duties and not doing the work because it’s there, has helped. Now I can come in and ignore the dishes, the scattered pillows (apparently the kids having a pillow fight with my nice cushions !! (**fume ** **fume** **combust**) and the general chaos of a busy household mid-week and actually continue with what I was planning to do.
At times like these, I imagine myself in extremely slimming pink athletic apparel, with the flag held high, running through what seems to be streams of adoring crowds, but what apparently are the mom-like creatures I was speaking of earlier, shooting daggers with their eyes (the daggers miss of course). The day is sunny and bright, yet balmy – kind of California like. I run on un-heeded. In the back-ground plays “We are the champions”.
After the run, I’ll come back and do the dishes, if it is my assigned task.
cartoon is awesome. post is too long so i couldn’t read. :p
This post is going straight to the husbandfellers inbox..btw is any housework done in your home accompanied by this drama that would give spielberg a complex? if male in the house is given a task of cutting an onion for instance, the preparations for the same might be more appropriate for heart surgery ( prep the knife, carefully eye the offending vegetable from various angles, discard the knife, take another knife which is sharper..and so on …by that time the wife will grab the damn thing and cut it herself)
hear hear….truer words were never spoken. reminded me a bit of the book “I don’t know how she does it”. Though have sent this post to Spouse, wish his folks could have a look at it!
Very well-said. I’m one of those “lucky” women who should be “grateful” that her husband does an equal share (in fact, more than that!) of housework. I do know I’m lucky but I refuse to be “grateful”!
We see everything as a team effort and cooking/cleaning is no different. On the other hand, my relatives think I have him under my thumb. Whatever!
But I must say that I see many Indian women outside of India take on sooooo much unnecessary housework it baffles me. I tell them that you know, you don’t need to cook hot breakfast everyday because um, cereals and fruit is healthier *and* easier to rustle up. I also tell them that no, store-bought curds are just as good as homemade curds, as is paneer.
Then it struck me that some women derive all their satisfaction from being perfect housewives.
Nicely said… and so very true. What gets my goat is that if my house is dirty/ unkempt, i will sorely get the blame for it, even in my own mother’s eyes
Wow! After reading this I feel I am a great husband. Either that or I am getting the shorter end of the stick. I cook everyday, and clean the kitchen too. No questions asked.
I am not allowed to clean up other areas, since I cant satisfy the exacting standards of she who must be obeyed. I think I will send this post to all women who–I now think–are damn LUCKY. Including “you know who”.
I guess I am one of the “lucky” gals — I have a husband who usually cooks when the guests come, and when they compliment me on the food, I give a tinkling laugh and say my husband made it. At which all the male guests look at me with horror in their eyes and all the females don’t know where to look (you blot on wifehood!). But dang it, my husband LIKES to cook, he does it in half the time it takes me, plus I get to look after the kiddo (no easy work mind you) and clean while he chops and sautees in the kitchen. So why the heck should I be made to feel guilty? We’re all doing what we do best! Division of labor and all that, right? But I get to be the “lucky” one — and my husband the poor sucker.
Not that your frustration is unwarranted, but the NYTimes article you cited in the beginning should be taken with a pinch of salt. Generally speaking, all articles reporting some statistical outcome of ONE study as groundbreaking research should be treated as suspect.
In this case, someone has already done the fisking. Here:
http://itre.cis.upenn.edu/~myl/languagelog/archives/004965.html
The girl from Ipanema,
Thanks !
Cynic in wonderland,
LOL. My husband doesn’t do that – but I’ve seen it happen with my Dad. My husband’s actually a better cook than me, and faster.
Afishcalledgoonda,
Thanks. I loved “I don’t know how she does it”.
Anon,
About the unnecessary housework – baffles me too. But to each her own.
Rohini,
Thanks. True about the blame part – for me too. My mom’s actually a lot more critical than my MIL. My MIL, even though a “traditionalist”, never says a word about the way we have things equally split in our household, and I’m thankful for her restraint.
Chinmay,
Good for you (and your wife). By this post I didn’t mean to say that there aren’t great guys out there – there are, including mine. And while most people get the “concept” of household equality, few agree to the implementation.
A Muser,
I agree. I don’t see my husband having problems with sharing work – it’s everybody else who has the problems. Like the relatives who ask if I’m working too then who’s taking care of the kids ? Then there are the sticklers for gender roles, who rib the husband about his share in child rearing. Thankfully we are getting this detritus over the phone, or when we visit India – it would be far more annoying if we were subjected to it everyday.
Anukool,
Thanks for the link. I think happiness is very subjective, so I’m not exactly treating the NYT article as gospel truth. I just thought it was an interesting lead-in to something I was already writing.
this is so close to home! i identify with all that you say. apart from his conditioning which just doesn’t ‘let him see the dirt, unfolded clothes etc’, its also my conditioning which makes me want to clean, neaten…no matter what. these days, we’re both trying to uncondition ourselves. though i think he has a hell of a lot more unpacking to do that me. now if only his adoring mother would let him get on with it!
Wife: I don’t just want you to do the dishes, I want you to want to do the dishes.
Some line from some movie…..
That cartoon is hilarious!
Loved it 🙂
I think the fault is partly ours.Not as wives but as mothers.While the daughter is trained to do housework fearing an unwelcome criticism,theson is allowed to laze around and be attended to.A woman may ask her husband to fold clothes but never impose the duty on her son.The only way to correct this biased attitude is by treating sons and daughters at par in alloting household chores to them.This shud be done from the time they are able to take responsibilities.In households without daughters I see this happening to some extent.I must admit that I have been guilty of doing so myself.
Bendinggender,
Yes, I guess “socialization” works both ways.
Sunshine,
LOL.
S.
Thanks !
Hip Grandma,
I do agree – as mothers we must be fair with our daughters and sons, and make sure they understand and implement equality. And as much as I agree that we are all “socialized” into roles and habits, I also have a bone to pick with the guys – is it really so difficult for them to see that there is household inequality, and do something about it ? Do we really consider them incapable of bettering themselves and their environments ? Is it only the woman’s job ? What about the father’s responsibility ? I do know that women influence the household, but fathers can also provide positive role models.
Why should men do so? There’s no incentive for them to be postive role models.
Most men associate housework with femininity. I think it’s more about insecurities that some men have about their own masculinity than with how they were raised.
My grandmother never taught my dad to do the dishes or to chop vegetables.
Yet, when it’s the maid’s day off, he does both cheerfully.
I suspect some men avoid housework because they believe it will feminise them.
There may be deeper reasons behind men avoiding housework than just laziness and convenience, though of course these two are the usual suspects. 🙂
Got here from another blog. Some very interesting posts on women. You may be interested in checking out Ultra Violet, a collablog of young feminists in India. The URL is youngfeminists.wordpress.com.
Anindita,
Thanks. I do actually read Ultraviolet regularly and do think you’ll are doing a great job.
You have no idea who I am so it’s okay if you turn down my request to come and give you a big hug. Spoken from the heart.. and for me!!
@ a muser: exactly. on the rare occassion that the husband wields the ladle i am not sitting with my feet up, i’m doing something for the kids or something.
and man.. i hate it when ppl say – you’re so lucky that he bathes the kids on sunday. wtf? isnt he lucky to have super woman rushing around taking care of his home, kids and bringing in some bacon too?
Mad Momma,
I actually read your blog pretty regularly, and have commented a few times – mine are probably lost in the 100s of comments you get 🙂 . Hugs to you too !
I am a man, to be honest, I like to do all housework like cooking, cleaning, vacuuming, dusting, mopping, doing dishes, laundry and ironing etc. Currently I am 28 and searching bride. My marriage would be an arranged marriage. when I tell the girl, that I like to do housework, believe me, girls ran away. This is my experience. Girls think that I am too despirate or something wrong with me. So before blaming men, please educate women. Every wife wants that her husband should do housework, but how many mothers make their Sons to do housework.
After my marriage, I would like to do most of the housework. I want my wife to enjoy her life, enjoy her womanhood to the fullest. If she is happy, I am the happiset…
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I think the biggest reason women have longer to-do lists is that their partners choose not to cooperate.
Most Indian men have been raised by their adoring mommys to think that the world revolves around them.
I do not know a single Indian woman my mother’s age who taught her son how to fold and put away laundry, tidy up his wardrobe, make his bed, chop vegetables and clean dishes.
“Oh no, they are BOYS you see”, they said smiling indulgently.
They were born to served, and be fussed over and to be treated like little princes.
These boys grew up and women like us married them. Both were in for a shock.
A man who’s never been taught to fetch a glass of water for himself grows up expecting to be waited on by the nearest available woman.
They grow up thinking that women exist to cook, clean, raise kids and keep house. The house is THEIR department.
If you ask me, women of our mother’s generation raised their sons to be little Lord Flauntleroys, and that’s the reason so many Indian men are clueless (or pretend to be so) about the domestic side of life.
Hope our generation does a better job of teaching their kids that housework is EVERYBODY’s responsibility, not just women.