Reading Indigo Warp’s take on the Indian family, I see many different repsonses, sort of contesting differences between cultures, and subtly (or overtly) stressing that “our” culture is best, because we can readily point out the flaws in a foreign culture. However our culture doesn’t become better by criticising other cultures. And you can criticise a foreign culture only when you truly understand your own, not just by comparing superficialities.

The reasons why “foreign”, actually American culture/family is criticised are many, and I’ve heard them many times too. But here’s a very popular one – I’ve heard this in films and from people :

– You dont have take an appointment to visit your moms or sons house (in India) like in the US.

This reason is way, way over-used to somehow indicate superiority in culture/atitude. Just because you call someone to check if they’re going to be home, does not in any way indicate a strain or formality in relationships, or that you love your Mom less – it just saves time and effort. Not only in the US, but in Delhi also we (and most of my extended living-in-India family) call ahead of time to make sure that people are at home before we land up. Why ? Essentially because when physical distances are great and traffic not too helpful, you’re frittering away time going places where no-one’s home.

Everyone here calls before coming whether you’re desi or not. Chances are you can’t actually walk to homes unless they happen to live in the neighborhood, and if you’re making the effort to drive you might as well as check if someone is at home, before you waste your time. Time is a precious commodity everywhere, even in India where we seem to think that people have a lot of time. I think that was true in my mother’s time when she was a full-time house-maker (still is) and the evenings could be more devoted to family when the rest of the family got home. Now, I see my cousins who work in MNC’s in India, working 12-18 hours a day, and I wonder how they find time for their families.

I would not be too happy to drive 20 minutes to a friends’s place and find her not in. I call before I go anywhere and I am called by most of my desi friends before anyone comes over. Very practical, no one takes offense, and no issue of “culture” whatsoever. If anyone is not going to be at home, you teel them that, and everyone understands because they are just as busy as you. I am prone to be more welcoming to people who check for my convenience (and theirs) rather than be forced into acting hostess, when I have somewhere else to be. Yes, I know “Athiti devo bhava”, but the “Athiti” needs to be considerate too.

In families where both parents work, the weekends are jam-packed with chores, you have to get the groceries, cook, clean, launder, and cart the kid’s to and fro from numerous classes. There’s a good chance that if you drop by impromptu you will find a locked home. So if you’re not going to be home, why be a hypocritical good Desi and say “Yes” when you actually mean “No” ? You’re doing your guest (and yourself) a dis-service if the welcome is only limited to lip-service.

In India speaking your mind (especially if you’re a woman) is considered bad. So, everyone is expected to be polite and agree to social overtures, even if you’re greatly inconvenienced. Saying “Yes” when you wish you could say “No”, or being forced to forego pre-decided plans for politeness sake, is not evidence of greater “culture”.

Me, I’ll take the plain-speaking any day.

Categories : _culture_and_society